Y’all, we’re going to be real here. Some days mean wine nights, which normally doesn’t require research into how to get the cork out of a wine bottle. For example, Sunday. Sunday, I woke up with a husband someplace on the east coast, a sister in the middle of a flood in Houston, a toddler and a preschooler boy at home, and had to get ready for Mass. Somehow, I managed to get all of us ready and out the door for 9AM Mass. Then, I went to Mass. By myself. With kids. We went to Academy to find Matthew a t-ball belt, and it took them 20 minutes of me hanging out with two over-tired babies to figure out that they were out of them. Came home, made lunch, laid them down for naps without too many elbows to the nose while we read on Matthew’s bed. We went to the grocery store after playing with their cars upstairs (round and round and round the track they went), where they had meltdown after meltdown because they kept each other up at nap and I bought a bottle of my favorite wine. Shortly before I made dinner, I started my period, complete with feeling like someone was twisting my insides. Then, I got them in bed, cleaned up the kitchen, and went to open a bottle of wine. And it wouldn’t open.
No matter what I did.
It was as if God was saying “Welp, glad you got that sip at church because THAT’S ALL FOR YOU.”
So, I do what I always do. I turned to my friends who live in the computer and Dr. Google to find out how to get the cork out of a wine bottle.
- Push it in if you can’t pull it out (that’s what she said?)– No dice.
- A drill and a mesh strainer– I couldn’t find the drill (pretty convinced it’s in Walter, my husband’s POS car at the airport).
- A hammer and a nail– decided it’s probably not worth the ER trip (unless I got to leave my kids at home, then this was a possibility).
- Neighbors– except we don’t really talk to any of ours here (add this to the list of reasons I miss our old houses and can’t wait for our new one).
- “Google says to run the neck under extremely hot water for a few seconds while keeping the bottle tilted down to keep the cork wet. The heat will expand the glass long enough to pull the cork.”– No luck, initially. We’ll come back to this.
- “My homie just fucking smash it and drink around the glass pieces because shit man you deserve it after that kind of day.”
- For the record, this electric wine bottle opener never let me down. Y’all get one and rub it in my face that mine is someplace in a box. We shouldn’t all suffer my fate.
I’m pretty sure the most sage advice I got was “Boxed wine would never do this to you.” True story, my friend. True story. But unfortunately, I didn’t have any of that. So we went back to the hot water trick. I cut a piece off every time I’d get it out, over and over and over. I BEAT THE WINE, y’all.
I sit here, as I type, sipping the world’s most victorious wine, watching some Friends, and enjoying a quiet house with a gassy dog laying underneath my desk. I was going to go take a bubble bath, but there was a tortilla chip in my tub. Because this is #momlife if I’ve ever heard it, y’all.